Welcome to The Royer Estate, where luxury meets… well, our house. We’re thrilled to have you consider crashing at our prestigious abode. To ensure a harmonious stay, please review our highly official policies below. Failure to comply may result in excessive eye-rolling or being subjected to Kara’s girly playlist.
The Royer Estate is a place of warmth, chaos, and questionable furniture. We’re not a five-star resort, but we’re five stars at heart. Stay, laugh, and make yourself at home, just don’t touch the thermostat.
Room Reservations: The Hunger Games of Guest Stays
Our guest room operates on a first-come, first-served basis. Think of it like Black Friday shopping, but instead of a discounted TV, you get a bed. Waste no time to secure your spot. We will accept no bribes (unless it’s really good chocolate or bourbon). Book early or prepare to plead your case.
Sleeping Arrangements
You’ll rest your weary head on our finest full-size budget mattress complete with memory foam topper and bed frame direct from a luxury company (probably just Amazon). It’s practically like sleeping on a cloud… if clouds were slightly lumpy.
Sheets are clean, but don’t expect turndown service or a mint on your pillow. We might toss you a pouch of fruit snacks if we’re feeling fancy.
Overbooking: A Tale of Couch City
We generally don’t allow overbooking, as The Royer Estate values your comfort (and our sanity). But if the guest list gets wild, you may be relegated to one of our authentic crappy couches.
Sleeping on our couches is a nostalgic journey back to childhood, complete with the thrill of falling asleep to late-night TV. Bonus: You’ll wake up with authentic adult neck and back pain to remind you you’re not a kid anymore.
Couch assignments are final, and no, you can’t swap for the “good” one (whatever the hell that means).
Culinary Delights: A Gourmet Gamble
Meals might be included, but don’t bet your life on it. Our kitchen staff (aka us) may whip up something spectacular like tacos, breakfast burritos, or spaghetti, but it’s subject to our mood and pantry inventory.
Special dietary needs? Let us know, and we’ll try to accommodate… or point you to the nearest pizza delivery app. Pro tip: Bring snacks to avoid hanger-induced meltdowns.
Shenanigans: Strictly Prohibited
No shenanigans, tomfoolery, or general nonsense allowed. This is a classy establishment, not a frat house. Keep the glitter bombs and prank wars at home. If you must engage in hijinks, they better be hilarious and approved by the Estate’s Fun Committee (spoiler: it’s just us, and we’re tough critics).
Feeling Board (Games)?
Be prepared to participate in our sanctioned board game nights. Refusal to play may result in you being forced to watch us play a long, heated game of Ticket to Ride on your wonderful full-size guest bed. Games range from Monopoly (where friendships go to die) to Uno (where you will eat that wild card if you play it wrong).
Entertainment Included… Kinda
Our living room is currently showcasing a random Hulu or Netflix series, and you’re welcome to join us mid-season. Spoilers? Maybe. Context? Unlikely. Popcorn? If you’re lucky.
Additional Policies: The Fine Print
Noise Levels: Keep it down after 9 PM, unless you’re laughing at our jokes—then carry on. Quiet hours are loosely enforced, unless you wake the baby. Then you are now legally the parent and you can get her back to sleep.
Checkout Time: Whenever we all agree it’s time for you to go, or when we start dropping hints (midwest knee slaps, we start making out/heavy petting, or your luggage is magically by the door).
Lost and Found: If you leave something behind, it’s ours now. That alcohol you left? Now featured at Blake’s Bar. That cool hoodie? Property of The Royer Estate. We’ll wear it ironically during your next stay with a straight face.